I Hate Crossfit

I hate CrossFit this year!

I haven’t been saying much about The CrossFit Open this year. I loved the excitement of the seasons before and the spectacle of it all. This year not having a clear sense of the changes gave me something silly to complain about. The truth is I feel like I suck, and this year not being able to focus on the elites has forced me to focus on myself. This year, technically, I’m sicker (tumor’s in my lungs) and working out is more of a real struggle. However, the diagnosis doesn’t matter, the mindset does because that is what is directing my outcome; and the truth is I’m getting better day by day. I had a rough holiday health season, but I’m climbing my way through it and headed toward remission again.

BUT ITS HARD.

Stinking hard! I’m doing it... but I digress... the dang CF Open!

Every movement that’s come up so far, I have lucid memories of being the last to finish or being frustrated to tears at what my body couldn’t do in years past. Wall balls... um won’t even start on them. Rowing, I’m still often the last off of the rower. I’m solid at double under's at this point, but I still vividly remember angry tears and weeks of working to learn their rhythm in my back yard. I can find something wrong with every movement because they are allll hard. What I can see through the years of CrossFit, is that I endured and got better very slowly at all the things. Not in comparison to others, but in comparison to myself. "I hate CF" was playing also when I refused to give them my money. “Since I didn’t at least get good televised open announcement,s” I didn’t officially register. Yes, I’m regretting that now. I’ve gotten multiple texts from people asking if I’m OK. “I look for you in The Open." "Am I ahead of you or behind you?" "Where are you?" "Am I as great as I think? Let me check against that tiny badass, Crystal." "You're not in the open, are you OK?”

That final FB message was surreal. Then shortly later, out of the blue, at my box some one said, "I totally wanna be able to do what you do, you’ve done better than me at everything." 👀🤯 My thoughts screeched to a halt because it was a gut check and a reminder to keep my negativity about myself to myself because my worst is someone’s best. That’s humbling and I remember that feeling of wanting to do what someone else can do. I use to daily wish I had the engine of so and so, or wish that I could do muscle ups like her, or run like the wind like him...but literally every single thing it looks like I do well, I had to learn and train to do and I built it from the ground up. 19.3 was something of my nightmares.... but I did it twice.

Why? Well because I wanted to face my fears and find a better way to manage fear and pain.

I don’t take a bunch of videos of me working out because I’m still not comfortable with how I move or look, but trust me when I say I found a “pain cave” and pushed past it at least twice. It was like a voice in my head would say, "this is too much, stop!". And I would have to dig deep and say (sometimes out loud) "I’m OK, just move. One more." I looked into Coach Josiah’s eyes and couldn’t hear his voice any more, but I saw him say, "you’ve got this, one more step" and "keep moving." It’s this real interesting feeling to be so outside of your comfort zone that the only reason you haven’t walked out or quit is because it’s The Open and you believe what the coach you trust tells you...it’s beautiful really. How am I doing in the stupid CF open?

First of all yes, I’m doing it with my box in our Intramural.

I PR’d my lunges. I’ve never done more than 50 meters unbroken with 35lbs overhead. I did 200 meters.

I PR’d my wall balls.

I stayed calm and consistent.

I’ve done every wod twice.

I’m leaning into discomfort and working to be better.

I'm doing this with tumors in my chest, but my lung capacity actually keeps improving much to my oncologists and cardiologists delight.

I’m not a flawless cross fitter; never will be. I don’t feel like I’m good at most things, but I’m good at having heart and trying my best. I never give up. Comparing yourself to others is a dangerous rabbit hole of disappointment. Natural. Human nature. But visit the rabbit hole, don't jump down it. The truth is I’m the best version of myself that I can be today. Just today and that’s a gift. I wouldn’t honestly know that without the consistency and truth that the methodology of CrossFit provides.

I hate CrossFit sometimes. Often... but I’m mostly grateful to be able to view the truth of me. The evolution of me. So I guess I’ll stop complaining and roll with the evolution of CrossFit. It’s given me something real to measure and that’s me against me, with no filter and to be honest I’m doing pretty damn good💕